Jonarstar's Adventure
by Jonarstar
Summary: Two stickmen named Jonar and Jullus have transformed into cats. As a result, they decide to join ThunderClan, one of the four Clans of the forest. But things from there seem to get stranger and stranger...
1. Chapter 1

**This is the** **prologue** **to the story. Keep in touch for more chapters!**

ThunderClan and RiverClan were having a frickin awesome fight over a pile of rocks. This happened in the book (sort of) as well, so don't judge me.

Cats were flying around, doing Karate-ninja moves on each other.

Crookedstar was the biggest boss. He had his black-belt on, and was beating up Runningwind. But Runningwind was able to doge a shot, and did a side-kick at his shlong.

"YOUCH!"

*Meanwhile*

"Crap!" Tigerclaw bellowed. "We're losing for once, if you don't count those 500,000,000 other times!"

Bluestar killed five RiverClan cats in one hit, and then padded toward Tigerclaw. "Shut the f*ck up Tigerclaw. You should know that I'm the one that pwns everyone!"

"Actually, that might, like, not be the case." Spottedleaf charged in, using her weird twoleg powers to heal everyone with herbs. "I, like, just got like - "

Bluestar couldn't take this anymore. "STOP SAYING LIKE!" She took a few breaths. "Please, just get it over with. I frikin hate your frikin teenager-talk."

Spottedleaf was used to this. Everyone hated her, because she was a hard-core mary- sou. "Okay, like, jeez. I just got, like, an omen from StarClan. They say that only Jonar will save the Clan."

"SHUT THE F*CK UP! ONLY I GET TO SAVE CLANS, NOT SOME B*TCH NAMED F*CK*NG JONAR! SHUT THE..."

RiverClan won the battle, obviously, so everyone left (Spottedleaf walked away while Bluestar was talking). Nobody stayed long enough to hear all of Bluestar's YouTube ranting except River Ripple, because he will always spy on you haters.


	2. Chapter 2

**This chapter has less Warriors stuff, and more complete nonsense. Thank you for reading this!**

"HEY, JULLUS, YOU WANNA HEAR SOMETHIN' FUNNY?"

"Shut up, Jonar, I'm trying to get some sleep." Jullus Wene yelled back from his bed. Jullus didn't exactly have the most energy in the morning.

"I'VE TURNED INTO A F*CK*NG CAT!" Jonar yelled again. The worst part was that it was true. Jonar turned into a gray tabby, and was extremely short now.

Finally, Jullus got out of bed and padded toward him.

"Wait a minute, why did the narrator just say I was padding? It's called walking, duh."

In the corner, I sat in a chair, laughing historically. "Because your a cat, dumb- *ss!"

From head to toe, Jullus was covered and fur, and had paws instead of hands. He was a cat. "F*CK! I've got to talk to Jonar about this."

A few hours later, Jullus Wene found Jonar huddling in the corner of their living-room, staring into open space.

"YOU KNOW, AS A CAT, I CAN SEE _WAY_ FARTHER NOW."

Jullus face-palmed. "That was what I was going to ask about. Why the heck are we cats? I liked being a stick-person!"

Jonar turned around. "BECAUSE, JULLUS, WE HAD JUICE LAST NIGHT THAT HAD KITTY SH*T IN IT!"

"So that's why my root-beer tasted like cat-sh*t...F*********************CK!" Jullus couldn't take this anymore. Jonar was too stupid for his own good. "Why would you do that?"

"BECAUSE I WANTED TO HAVE A DREAM FROM STARCLAN! AND I DID. THEY SAID THAT, 'ONLY JONAR CAN SAVE THE CLAN!'"

Jullus was confused. Jonar shouldn't have gotten so caught up in internet fandoms. If he did, No-man the Barbarian, an anti-weeb, would get him. But Jullus decided to not get too caught up in that, or else Jonar would become even louder. Though one question did sprout in his head. "What do we do now that we're cats?"

"JOIN THUNDERCLAN, OBVIOUSLY!"

Oh no.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks for reading this! Remember to see my Scratch account with the link on my fan fiction account.**

As Jonar and Jullus padded into the forest, they could hear, see, and smell more than they usually could. This might have seemed good, but Jonar was so obnoxiously loud that having better hearing only made him more annoying.

"HEY JULLUS, YOU WANNA CATCH SOME PREY?"

Jullus wanted to sleep, but instead he was up at 6.00 a.m. in the morning walking around in some British national park. All he could smell was the moist odor from Jonar and squirrel sh*t. "Shut the f*ck up Jonar! You piece of f*ck*ng sh*t!"

What felt like hours later, three feral cats ambushed Jonar and Jullus, one a _male_ tortoiseshell, the second a _blue_ cat, and a dark tabby that seemed evil, just because.

"HEY S*XY-BEAST, YA WANNA GO OUT FOR DINNER TONIGHT?" Jonar jumped on top of the blue cat, probably trying to "share tongues" with her.

The blue cat resisted. "Shut the f*ck up, b*tch! Only I get to r*p* people...also, my name's Bluestar. I'm the leader of ThunderClan."

"And my name is Lionheart. I _love_ kids!" meowed Lionheart. For some reason, he was making the r*p* face.

Everyone glared at the dark tabby.

"F*CK*NG TIGERCLAW! SAY YOUR F*CK*NG NAME OR I'LL STICK FOX DUNG UP YOUR *SS!"

Tigerclaw looked sad. "Sorrry...my name's Tigerclaw -"

"SHUT THE F*CK UP TIGERCLAW! I ALREADY SAID YOUR NAME, SO THERE'S NO NEED TO SAY IT AGAIN!"

"Sorry, I didn't mean to -"

"F*CK YOU!"

While the cats continued on, there was a long silence. The many oak trees lining the forest made Jullus feel that an illegal immigrant was going to kidnap him at any moment. When they arrived at the ThunderClan camp, a hollow in the ground lined with prickly thorns, Bluestar began to show Jonar and Jullus around.

"...and that's the small-*ss apprentice den. I hear that rogues come in at night to moon the apprentices. And don't tell me that I'm wrong, because Dustpaw looked like he was scarred for life yesterday…"

Jullus just stared into space. He wished he could just lay in his bed and play crappy flash-games on his Chromebook. His favorite was the one where you had to beat up a stickman with a bunch of various weapons. He just wished that that stickman was Jonar…

Jonar padded way, seeming to not care about Bluestar rambling on about the apprentices being f*ck*d by foxes. He slipped into the leader's den and picked up what seemed to be a giant golden crown.

"HA HA HA! I'M KING OF THUNDERCLAN, NOW! F*CK YOU, F*CKSTAR!" Jonar tackled Bluestar at supersonic speed. Immediately, Bluestar lost all of her nine lives at once.

Her last words were, "Hey Redtail! It's r*p*ng time!"

Less than a second after her death, the entire Clan cheered.

" I really f*ck*ng hated Bluestar anyway. She was a jerk!

"I'm glad that Lionheart will be leader now. He's better than Bluestar and Redtail!"

"Bluestar made me feel blue constantly, no pun intended."

As the Clan applauded Bluestar's death, Jonar flung his sword at Lionheart (which he'd apparently been carrying this entire time). Decapitating the tortoiseshell, it flew right back to Jonar's mouth.

All the cats froze (except Tigerclaw, because Lionheart bullied him in the past).

"Who's going to be leader now?"

"I hope it won't be Spottedleaf. She's a f*ck*ng mary-sou."

"F*ck*ng dumb*ss! Spottedleaf's a medicine cat, she can't be leader! But yet again, mary-sous can do whatever they want, sooo…"

"SHUT THE F*CK UP, EVERYONE!" Jonar stood on the Highrock, gazing at all the uncertain cats. "I WILL BE LEADER, BECAUSE I'M FAR BETTER THAN ALL YOU POSERS! I WILL BE _JONARSTAR_!"

Spottedleaf padded out of the medicine den. "Well, I guess the prophecy has just begun, sort of…"

"But I thought it was supposed to be, 'Fire will save the Clan.'" If Firepaw continued to be as whiny as this, he would officially become emo and have s*x in some other clan.

"OH YEAH, ALSO…" Jonar looked at Jullus. "JULLUS; FROM NOW ON, YOU WILL BE KNOWN AS JULLUSPAW!"

Julluspaw stopped staring into space and growled at Jonar. "But I'm a f*ck*ng full-grown adult!"

"THEN WHY ARE YOU HALF MY SIZE?"

After a long pause, Jullus padded into the apprentices den, repeating the words, "...f*ck this, f*ck this…"

The clan cheered as Jonar, soon to be Jonarstar, began his journey to the Moonstone.


	4. Chapter 4

**This is probably the best chapter that I have written so far. Remember to enjoy, and write a good review!**

"ARE WE GETTING THERE SOON? 'CAUSE I'M TIRED AS H*LL!" The patrol had only traveled five minutes on their journey to the Moonstone, and Jonarstar already seemed to be falling asleep.

Julluspaw shot back. "Shut the f*ck up, Jonarstar! You know, we're all on the same f*ck*ng journey, so it's not like you're an exception."

Tigerclaw didn't seem to like Julluspaw's disagreements with Jonarstar. "Don't be so hard on Jonarstar. It's been a long day for him."

"Yeah, a long day in which he _killed_ two of the most _important_ cats for no f*ck*ng reason!" Julluspaw seemed like he wouldn't last the stupidity of the long day. "In fact, we could've just been having a _completely_ normal day if he didn't put cat sh*t in our juice! Who would even f*ck*ng _do_ that?"

The patrol fell silent after Jullus' words, except Jonarstar, who continued to act retarded.

After six hours, the cats finally arrived at their destination. All were tired, and Jonar was covered in sweat, despite being a cat, an animal that doesn't sweat. Julluspaw narrowed his eyes at the narrator.

"Stop narrating everything that I f*ck*ng do, f*ck*ng narrator! Shut the f*ck up!" Julluspaw growled. "OH COME ON! F*CK YOU!"

"I'm sorry, I was only doing my job -"

"SHUT THE F*CK UP, YOU RETARDED PIECE OF SH*T, YOU…"

Yeesh. Julluspaw really is whiny.

Tigerclaw nudged Jonarstar to enter the abandoned mine. Julluspaw continued to scream at me, but I didn't mind. I am a narrator, after all. "Okay Jonarstar, time to enter the cave."

Jonarstar scream-meowed: A cross between screaming and meowing, "OKAY!"

"Well, bye everyone," Julluspaw began to leave. "I'm f*ck*ng sick of this f*ck*ng crap."

After arriving at camp, Julluspaw found Firepaw padding toward him. "Why are you here so early?"

Julluspaw answered. "Because I'm sick of Jonarstar's crap. He's a f*ck*ng retard. You know that, right?"

"I can definitely agree with you on that," Firepaw mewed. "I wish Bluestar was still around. She was my mentor."

The two apprentices both grabbed prey from the fresh-kill pile, and then sat down in the apprentices den, where Dustpaw was doing a squirrel in the back.

"Really?" Julluspaw exclaimed. "Finally, someone agrees with me. For a second there, I thought I was the only cat in this entire clan that hates Jonarstar."

"Well, apparently, you're wrong." Firepaw laughed.

This was the most relaxing and peaceful night that Julluspaw had in a while: A night where Jonarstar wasn't around, constantly screaming. Firepaw was the first cat that Julluspaw had ever met that was sane.

Sadly, this relaxing night ended when Jonarstar came barreling through the camp. "F*CK YOU, BLUESTAR! I'M THE LEADER OF THIS CLAN NOW!" After calling a meeting, Jonarstar screamed, "FROM NOW ON, THIS CLAN MUST BE CALLED BARBARIANCLAN!"

F*ck.


	5. Chapter 5

**Let's just say that in this chapter, Graypaw becomes emo. Anyways, Thanks for reading!**

As the sun rose, birds began to chirp, and Tigerclaw, the new deputy, began to organize patrols. All was well until Jonarstar barreled out of his den and shouted, "GOOD-MORNING!"

The racket woke Julluspaw up. "F*ck…"

"Why did you swear?" Firepaw asked.

Julluspaw narrowed his eyes. "Because it's another day in which utter stupidity has begun. I f*ck*ng hate my life."

"Yeesh."

Graypaw bounced out of his nest and tackled Julluspaw. "Leave me and my friend alone, or there will be consequences!" Graypaw then swooped and tried to do another blow, this time at his belly.

Julluspaw dodged the shot, surprised by Graypaw's random attack. "What the f*ck was that?"

"I was protecting my friend from you!"

"But I am his friend!"

"F*ck*ng liar! F*ck you, *ss-hole!" Graypaw jumped as high as he could, slamming into Julluspaw and aiming for his neck. But right before he could do any damage, Firepaw slammed into him.

"He's telling the truth!" Firepaw yowled.

"But I thought I was your only friend! We were the dynamic duo!"

Firepaw shook his head. "There's something called, 'having multiple friends,' you know."

Graypaw stormed out of the apprentices den, clearly bewildered. Julluspaw got up and turned to Firepaw. "What was that all about?"

"Sorry," Firepaw exclaimed. "If you really knew him, you'd know that he's not such a bad cat. I guess he's not used to his only friend having other friends." Firepaw padded out of the den to his new mentor, Longtail.

"F*ck."

About an hour later, all of the apprentices were out of their dens and with their mentors. Ravenpaw was training with Tigerclaw, and seemed to eye Tigerclaw weirdly whenever he looked at him. Firepaw trained with Longtail, Graypaw trained with Darkstripe, Sandpaw trained with Runningwind, and Dustpaw was just doing a squirrel. Julluspaw guessed that no cat wanted to mentor a cat that had s*x on a regular basis.

The worst part of that day was that Julluspaw's mentor was Jonarstar: AKA his least favorite cat ever.

"OKAY, JULLUSPAW, DO YOU WANT TO LEARN F*CK*NG MATHEMATICS, OR SMALL-*SS SCIENCE?"

Julluspaw shook his head. "Jonarstar, we're not supposed to learn that kind of stuff, we're supposed to learn hunting, and fighting. Even then, how would you know what math is when you've never gone to school?"

"STOP QUESTIONING ME!" Jonarstar screamed at the top of his lungs.

"But -"

Jonarstar padded away, as if nothing had ever happened. This wasn't a bad day, but rather a weird one.

After about an hour of trying to catch prey, but failing, Firepaw bounced toward Julluspaw. Graypaw hid behind a tree with narrowed eyes, as if he expected Julluspaw to commit murder, or something.

"Hey, Julluspaw! Mousefur told me that she had too bad of a day to train me, so I'm off for the whole day!" Firepaw span around a few times, as if trying to find something. "Where's your mentor?"

"It's kind of hard to explain…" Julluspaw trailed off.

"Jonarstar left you, I'm guessing?"

"Yes, actually."

Out of nowhere, Graypaw slithered between the two cats, then stalked toward Julluspaw. "You think that you've taken my best friend?"

"What are you talking about?"

"YOU KNOW WHAT I'M F*CK*NG TALKING ABOUT, *SS-HOLE!" By this time, the entire Clan had sat down to see Graypaw and Julluspaw. "But I guess since you just don't f*ck*ng care, I'll have to find someone else." Graypaw padded away dramatically.

"Look at what you've done, Julluspaw." Firepaw staired with an expression of hatred at Julluspaw. "You just took away my best friend. F*ck you." With that, Firepaw continued to catch food for the Clan.

Julluspaw had only lived in the forest for two days, and yet he was already in the most confusing stage of his life.


	6. Chapter 6

**Please remember to review and follow! This chapter introduces Ravenpaw. He is pretty much the opposite of what he was in the actual books.**

When the Clan slept in their nests by sunset, Julluspaw only thought one thing: "...f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck…" After Graypaw acted like a retarded jerk and Firepaw randomly came in on it, Julluspaw became surrounded by complete nonsense.

Finally, he realized that he couldn't take it anymore. "F*ck this Clan. I'll become a rogue and live on my own. It would be much more relaxing than living in a place where everyone has a different f*ck*ng mental disorder."

As Julluspaw padded out of the apprentices den, he heard pawsteps behind him. "Who's there?"

"Don't worry, it's just me." In front of Julluspaw stood Ravenpaw, one of the other minor characters that will get character development for the heck of it.

"I don't think we've formally met. Or actually met at all, now that I think about it. Why were you following me?"

"Follow me." Ravenpaw led Julluspaw outside the camp, as if he had the most important things to say in the world. After about an hour, the cats arrived at the Owl Tree. "I've really wanted to talk to you for a while!"

"And why is that?" Julluspaw asked.

"Because you're the most sane cat in the Clan! And also the only cat that I think I can trust to tell you these few things."

Julluspaw rolled his eyes. "The last cat that told me that abandoned me a day later, and that day would be today." A sudden realization occurred to Julluspaw. "Now that I think about it, I've only been here for two days…that's weird..."

"BUT THESE THINGS ARE REALLY F*CK*NG IMPORTANT!" Julluspaw flinched in alarm. "Sorry, I get frustrated easily. I guess I'll just list these things out for you:

1\. Tigerclaw killed Redtail

2\. WindClan has been driven away

3\. You need to figure out how to get Firepaw to be banished as soon as possible"

"But I thought Tigerclaw was supportive!"

Ravenpaw nodded. "Yes, but he also kills every cat that has _ever_ bullied him _ever_. He didn't kill Lionheart, because Lionheart was killed by Bluestar. When Tigerclaw was a kit, Redtail and Lionheart would make fun of him all the f*ck*ng time."

"And how do you know this?"

"Bluestar told me. Duh. You're not gonna ask about WindClan?"

Julluspaw laughed. "I'm guessing it was done by some evil dictator called Brokenstar. If you didn't know, I've read the entire last chapter of Into the Wild. Also, why do I have to drive out Firepaw?"

Ravenpaw answered. "Remember when I said that Tigerclaw kills all who bully him?"

"Yes, why?"

"Well, if Firepaw continues to live in BarbarianClan, he will start to bully Tigerclaw."

"And?"

Ravenpaw rolled his eyes. "I have no idea how you're not f*ck*ng getting this by now. If Firepaw bullies Tigerclaw, Tigerclaw will _kill_ him!"

Julluspaw began to pad back to camp. "And why do I care? Firepaw randomly 'f*ck*d me' as he says it."

"But you don't understand -"

"I don't f*ck*ng care Ravenpaw -"

"But -"

"SHUT THE F*CK UP!" Julluspaw ran back to camp as fast as he could. He didn't want to hear anymore of Ravenpaw's endless nonsense.


	7. Chapter 7

**Thanks for reading! Remember that I will continue to make more chapters! In fact, I don't know if this story will ever end. Probably not.**

By this time it was nearly sunrise. Patrols were being set up by Tigerclaw, and cats were streaming in, and out of the dens. When Julluspaw arrived at the camp, he remembered that he had left it to get away from it.

Immediately after he tried, Tigerclaw stepped in his way. "Where are you going?"

"To leave this f*ck*ng awful h*ll-hole. Why are you asking?"

Tigerclaw narrowed his eyes. "Are you bullying me?"

"Why are you asking?" At this point, Julluspaw had no other comebacks to use. As Donald Trump says it, "Sad."

"I know you're bullying me. Do you know what I do to cats that bully me?"

Julluspaw had a sudden realization. _He's going to f*ck*ng kill me_! Julluspaw ran as fast as he could, trying to escape the enormous body of Tigerclaw. As this all happened, Frostfur came just in time to stop it.

"What the h*ll are you doing?" Frostfur scowled. "Your attacking each other when I've just released kits into the world. But I suppose you don't care."

Julluspaw and Tigerclaw exchanged looks. "We're really sorry Frostfur."

"Thank you."

With that, Frostfur left the clearing and entered the nursery to play with her newborn kits. Although Tigerclaw and Julluspaw did apologize, they both knew that neither of them meant it.

"Well, I'll go see the kits, then." Julluspaw zoomed to the nursery, afraid that Tigerclaw would bite his tail off at any moment. As he entered the den, he noticed that Firepaw had also come.

"Well, I'll be going then." Firepaw glanced at Julluspaw with hatred. "I should really be feeding Yellowfang right about now." Firepaw slowly padded out of the den, as if he wanted Julluspaw to apologize for everything.

Once Firepaw had left, Julluspaw refocused on the kits. Frostfur glanced at Julluspaw and scowled. "Oh, it's you again. Do you want to see Brackenkit and Cinderkit?"

Julluspaw suddenly remembered what Firepaw said before he left. _I should really be feeding Yellowfang right about now_. "Actually, Frostfur, I wanted to ask you something. Who's Yellowfang?"

Frostfur laughed loud enough for the entire Clan to hear her. "You don't know who Yellowfang is? She's been a f*ck*ng prisoner for weeks now!"

"But why did Firepaw mention having to feed her?" This could never be more confusing.

"When Bluestar was still alive, she ordered Firepaw to do Yellowfang's dirty work, since she didn't feel like doing it herself." Frostfur began to sadden at the memory of Bluestar. "Firepaw has continued to do her labor even after Bluestar's death, probably because he's scared that Bluestar's spirit will come back from the dead to ruin his life."

"Hmmmmm…" If Firepaw thought that it was so important to continue Yellowfang's dirty labor, then maybe he could figure out how to make Firepaw think that Bluestar was going to come back to life. Though the plan would need the help of Ravenpaw.

"Why so still? Have you become one of those twoleg statues? Those always give the creeps. Blah blah blah blah… -"

"Shut the f*ck up, or you will make me lose the best idea that I have ever had." Julluspaw came running out of the den to search for Ravenpaw.


	8. Chapter 8

**I ship Jonarstar and Yellowfang. Please remember to follow and write a nice review!**

After running for a few minutes, Julluspaw stopped to sniff for Ravenpaw's sent. "Ravenpaw? Where are you?" Julluspaw continued to call, when a black shape suddenly appeared in front of him. "Ravenpaw! I have the greatest idea to get rid of Firepaw!"

"And what would that be?"

"Remember Yellowfang, BarbarianClan's prisoner?"

Ravenpaw nodded.

"Well, since Firepaw has devoted his life to being her slave, if we drive out Yellowfang, Firepaw would follow."

Ravenpaw became very excited. "Yes!" After a few seconds, Ravenpaw had begun to sadden. "But what if Firepaw just brings himself and Yellowfang back? Then we'll have to start all over. Plus, Firepaw would get really mad at us, and we'd probably be kicked out by Jonarstar."

"Then why don't we just kill Yellowfang?"

"Oh yeah…"

Immediately, Ravenpaw and Julluspaw made their way to the prisoners den. Before they entered, they realized that there was no way to get through with the sticks blocking the entrance.

"Gosh f*ck*ng darn it! We'll never get through!" Julluspaw growled.

Ravenpaw pointed at a small little point at the bottom of the entrance. "Look! There's a key-hole! If only we had a key…"

Julluspaw's heart began to thump faster and faster as Jonarstar crashed through the clearing. "HEY! ONLY I'M ALLOWED TO F*CK WITH YELLOWFANG!" As Jonarstar charged through the clearing, an object flew into the air, revealing a key.

"Ravenpaw! The key was under the place mat the whole time!" The two apprentices used the key, then charged through the dark, damp den. Torches lined the walls, and twoleg-skulls clung to the floor.

"F*ck you, creepiness!" Ravenpaw hit one of the skulls with his tail. Immediately, the whole place shook.

Julluspaw didn't like this. "Ravenpaw, maybe you shouldn't have done that -" Before Julluspaw could finish his sentence, a giant boulder seemed to be created out of thin air, and began to roll towards them.

"F*CK*NG SH*T!"

A small ledge appeared in the clearing, long enough for Ravenpaw and Julluspaw to escape the boulder. Julluspaw jumped first. "Ravenpaw, get over here!"

"Okay!" But as Ravenpaw tried to do so, he lost his balance and slipped. "F*CK!"

"Ravenpaw, come on, there's no time -" But as he called, the boulder had already smooshed Ravenpaw like jello. "NO!"

There was no hope left. Ravenpaw was dead.


	9. Chapter 9

**If you made it all the way to this chapter, I'd be surprised. Thanks for reading! Remember to review and follow! :)**

"F*ck...f*ck...f*ck...f*ck...F*************CK!" Julluspaw couldn't take this anymore. Bluestar, Lionheart, and now Ravenpaw, were dead; and it was all because of Jonarstar. Julluspaw couldn't even understand the title of the story anymore. "Jonarstar's Adventure...more like Jonarstar's kill streak."

As Julluspaw continued to walk through the damp cave that was the prisoners den, and dark figure appeared, growling like one of those old women from the Golden Girls. "What's up dawg, yo got any food on ya? I'm hungry as h*ll."

"Uh, no. Is your name Yellowfang?"

Suddenly, the dark, old she-cat became enraged. "I'm only _one-percent_ f*ck*ng Chinese! I'm barely Asian at all!"

Julluspaw rolled his eyes in annoyance. "I mean, is your _name_ Yellowfang?

"Oh, okay. Ya got any pop on ya? I'm also very thirsty."

Out of nowhere, the ground began to shake, and Jonarstar barrelled through. "WHAT IS A POP?"

After much idiocy, Julluspaw finally made it to the fresh-kill pile. He suddenly realized that another apprentice also existed, a cat called Sandpaw. "Hey Sandpaw, you wanna go out on a -"

"Shut the f*ck up, b*tch! You know I already did Firepaw last night _against his will_."

As Sandpaw padded to the apprentices den, Julluspaw's mouth went wide open. Immediately, he went to Firepaw, who was sitting in the corner of the camp. He seemed to be extremely depressed. "Firepaw, were you r*p*d last night?"

Firepaw didn't answer. He stared into space, horror filled in his eyes.

"Okay, I'll be going now…" Julluspaw glanced back before going to his nest to sleep. It was only a little past sunhigh, and Julluspaw had been up the whole night. He needed rest.

Dustpaw and Sandpaw were sparring each other; Graypaw sat in the back, stalking a mouse.

"Oh, it's _you_ again. Why were you so interested in my s*x-life anyway?" Sandpaw scowled.

Julluspaw knew what he had to do. He must kill this r*p*st. "I know you did Firepaw against his will!" Graypaw and Dustpaw stopped what they were doing, interested with the drama. "Why did you do it? You know that Firepaw has been scarred for life because of you!"

"Screw you!" Sandpaw jumped onto Julluspaw, twerking at supersonic speed.

But Julluspaw was faster. He ducked, and kicked Sandpaw in the vagina. "I will kill you!"

At that moment, Jonarstar tumbled into the den, screaming: "REEEEEEEEE!" While Sandpaw was distracted, Jonarstar sliced her neck in half. Sandpaw's decapitated head lay on the ground, blood squirting from the neck.

Dustpaw grabbed a pencil and marked four tally-marks on a piece of paper. "Four characters have officially died! Who will be the fifth? Find out in the next chapter of Jonarstar's Adventure!"


	10. Chapter 10

**Now that Sandpaw's dead, I hope that Spottedleaf will die as well. Or maybe she's just too much of a Mary Sou. Oh well.**

After four characters had already died, Julluspaw couldn't take it anymore. Something had to be done to stop Jonarstar from killing every cat one after the other. Because of this, Julluspaw gathered the other surviving apprentices for a meeting at the Sandy Hollow, where hopefully no one would notice them.

Firepaw continued to have panic attacks, remembering the awful moment when Jonarstar decapitated Sandpaw.

"Relax, Firepaw, it'll be okay -"

"YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT SO YOU CAN BRIBE ME INTO F*CK*NG YOU!" Firepaw scream-meowed. This was already described, so I'm not going to say it again. Julluspaw narrowed his eyes at me.

"Shut the f*ck up, narrator! Shut the f*ck*ng f*ck up, or I'll stick your d*ck up your f*ck*ng *ss-hole!"

"Okay, okay!" I backed away.

Julluspaw moved on with the conversation, as if nothing ever happened. "Anyways, what are we going to do to get rid of Jonarstar?"

Graypaw rolled his eyes. "Well I don't f*ck*ng care what Jonarstar does. It's not like he's going to kill me."

Julluspaw thought back to the few things that Ravenpaw mentioned when he was still alive, as Graypaw and Firepaw bickered. _Tigerclaw killed Redtail. WindClan has been driven away. You need to figure out how to get Firepaw to be banished as soon as possible._

"Wait, can you repeat that one again?" I asked Julluspaw.

"Which one?"

"The second one."

"Oh, okay." _WindClan has been driven away._ Finally, Julluspaw remembered his comment about Brokenstar. _I'm guessing it was done by some evil dictator called Brokenstar. If you didn't know, I've read the entire last chapter of Into the Wild._

"Dustpaw, Graypaw, stop arguing!" Julluspaw yowled.

"Okay, we're listening." The two cats answered. Firepaw seemed to be completely unaware of anything that was happening.

Julluspaw began his speech, as I sat down with my popcorn, ready for something mildly entertaining. "Remember Brokenstar, from Into the Wild?"

"Yup."

"Sandpaw, is that you?"

"Sorry, I don't know how to read. I spent too many hours f*ck*ng the teacher in primary school."

The apprentices took a step away from Dustpaw with horrified looks.

" _Anyways_ , if we can get Jonarstar to fight ShadowClan and Brokenstar, he could die while thinking he's saving the Clan."

Graypaw seemed to disagree. "But how will we get Jonarstar all the way to ShadowClan territory without getting ourselves killed?"

"Easy." Julluspaw smirked. "We just need a bit of a lure."


	11. Chapter 11

**Spottedleaf NEEDS to die! I will probably make her next chapter. Well, if you made it to this chapter, good for you!**

"Hey Jonar, you wanna drink some juice?" Julluspaw asked Jonarstar.

The day before, the apprentices had come up with the plan to get rid of Jonarstar: Luring him into ShadowClan territory. Jonarstar's favorite drink was juice, so it was the perfect lure.

Jonarstar jumped out of the leader's' den, obviously excited. "I WANT SOME JUICE! GIMME! GIMME!" Jonarstar looked around for a few seconds. "WHERE'S THE JUICE?"

"None other than _the ShadowClan camp_ , Jonarstar."

"I WANT JUUUUUUUICE!" With that, Jonarstar sprinted towards the ShadowClan border.

After a few minutes, the other apprentices came out of the bushes.

Dustpaw seemed to be the most excited. "I hope Brokenstar will really _do him good_ , am I right?"

"Shut the f*ck up, Dustpaw." Graypaw went back to the apprentices den to play Call of Duty.

That night, Julluspaw had the best sleep that he'd ever had in a long time. Jonarstar was finally gone, making Julluspaw become leader, as Jullusstar. They had a bit of an argument over it, but Jullusstar did prove that he was a fully grown adult. It just took some s*x and a ton of semen jokes.

But after a few hours, Julluspaw began to feel that something was missing. He just couldn't figure out what it was.

A wet, silver figure that looked translucent then went into the leader's den and grabbed him. "Jullusstar, get out of your f*ck*ng den and get over here!"

"Wha...wha?"

"You know who I am, right?"

"Uh...no…"

The mysterious cat facepalmed. "I'm Riverstar, the original leader of RiverClan!" The tom smirked. "But you can just call me _River Ripple_. That name always sounded awesome back in the day…"

"Okay, I get it, you're the first leader of RiverClan, but why do you want from _me_?"

River Ripple paused for a few seconds dramatically. "I've been spying on your Clans for the past week, and _surprisingly_ , two Clans already have new names."

Jullusstar was about to speak, but realized this didn't make any sense. ThunderClan was the only one of the four Clans that got a new name: BarbarianClan. What was this cat talking about? "Hold on a sec, which two Clans changed their names?"

"ThunderClan and ShadowClan, of course."

When did ShadowClan change their name? "What is ShadowClan called now?"

"BacteriumClan."

A realization overwhelmed Jullusstar. Back when Jonar and Jullus were still stickmen, they had always fought Jonar the Bacterium, an evil clone of Jonar the Barbarian, that had many minions. And ShadowClan was taken over by him. And Jonar the Barbarian was in ShadowClan territory. F*ck.


	12. Chapter 12

**Remember to follow and favorite!**

The apprentices ran as fast as they could through the forest. If Jonarstar caused any trouble with Bacteriumstar, there would be war.

Dustpaw seemed to be distracted, as if looking for something else.

"Dustpaw!" Graypaw hissed. "There's no time for f*ck*ng squirrels! We have to get to ShadowClan territory!"

Dustpaw quickly kicked the squirrel away. "Okay, I'm coming…"

After what seemed like hours of trekking, the four apprentices made it to the Thunderpath. The odor of the twoleg path seemed like a wall, never letting any cats get through.

"It smells like the awfulness of when Sandpaw...when Sandpaw…" Firepaw seemed to never stop in his insanity.

"Guys, would you rather cross something that smells like a fart and be happy for the rest of the afternoon, or get bombarded by gremlins?" Jullusstar asked.

No one answered.

"Well, I guess we're crossing then." Julluspaw scrambled across, and attached a paper clip to his nose while doing so. "See? That wasn't so bad."

Dustpaw dragged his live squirrel over to the clearing. "If you get to wear a paper clip, then I get to do this squirrel!" Without warning, Dustpaw ran across the Thunderpath, with the squirrel shoved up his d*ck. The weight of the squirrel seemed to hold him back.

"Dustpaw, there's a monster! What are you doing?" Jullusstar called from the other side of the Thunderpath.

"Okay, I'm coming -" But he was too late. The monster already crushed Dustpaw, leaving nothing but a few body parts and a skull partly covered in bloody flesh.

Subsequently, Firepaw scream-meowed and ran away at super-sonic speed. Graypaw was already gone, because he just didn't care. Silverpaw was probably waiting to have s*x with him at the river.

"F*CK!" Jullusstar couldn't believe this. All of his fellow apprentices were gone, and there was no way of getting them back.


End file.
